Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 6

I want to change the world. I want to move people to want to better themselves. I want to help people to want to discover and face their fears. I want to show people that they can innovate from within.

Some day soon, I anticipate being an established role model who others can look to for example. In the meantime, I have to better myself by illuminating each of my own fears and facing them. I have to innovate from within. I have to change and grow until I become truly dependable.

I'm hurt. I need help. I can't be in dark places with negative people. Until I am one piece (with facets), I have to actively care for myself more than I do for others. Not all heroes are like Captain America. Some of us have to come up with the experiment ourselves. And trial and error indeed has its consequences.

I'm persistent. But I don't feel I've got much more to prove before it's my time.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 5

An other diversion, of which it can be harder to rise above, is love. My being polyamorous can make this additionally trying. Others don't understand and don't believe that concurrently loving more than one person in an intimate way can be legitimately genuine (and natural). The "cake and eat it, too" phrase gets tossed around. "Slut" gets tossed around as well. For being pansexual, I've been accused of being greedy... whatever that means.

Life doesn't wait for an opening. It steamrolls like a manic Pokémon. A part of me wishes I could doff this new love, but it feels like it belongs to me. I'm afraid of losing it. Even before I'm assured that it's mine.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 4

Remember the climax of "Back to The Future Ⅲ", when the colored presto logs were used to propel the locomotive (and DMC-12) to 88 mph?

As part of my absolution, I've recently committed to a strict (but robust) meal plan. The transition is jarring, because—despite my wisdom—I have continued to allow my typical depreciated energy levels to go unnoticed. Suddenly, the yellow presto log is in. My senses are acute. My mind is racing. But there's a downside (which should seem obvious). My nihilistic thoughts and feral emotions are ripping me to shreds with greater proficiency.

Focussing on my one-step-at-a-time personal restoration has become more difficult.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 3

In September (2011), I really screwed up. I was processing a significant recent event, and it had been suggested to me by a loving relative that I was not then in a mental state to be moving too much too soon in new directions without suffering needless consequence. It was suggested that I needed more time. I failed to heed the warning. Honestly, though, I had a strong enough sense that what was being told to me was true, I should have been willing to rely on my own compass.

I allowed myself to be influenced negatively. I fell back on bad habits. It lasted into the new year.

I'm sorry... ... I'm saying that to myself.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 2

I have tried to make my artistic expression come across as overtly emotional but devil-may-care if not happy-go-lucky. During the last three years, I have tried to make my music and its related promotional material appear to be a dream of mine. A fanciful ambition. My neurosis has allowed for cracks in the façade, revealing inconsistencies. The reality of the situation is that my interest in the arts has almost always been exclusively coupled to my need for self therapy. It's not fun. An end result can be entertaining, often in a beguiling way, but the process is vital to my well-being.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 1

I admit, I maneuver myself into having to handle circumstances which typically cause me pain and suffering. I don't enjoy the pain or suffering. I do it because there are times I can feel as though I am deserving of punishment. A lot of that feeling is relative to my abuse at the hands of my mother. But, some, I feel I relate practically to bad decisions I've made which have enabled hurt.

Separate from my habit of self destruction, there is a need for me to revisit specific events and find answers to various questions which come to mind.