An Onion for An Apple

Reads well, the idea of solving one's personal issues before they become parts of some mid-life crisis. ... It feels like shit. Honestly, some days, I don't know how I get out the door and in to the city.

Alienated. Segregated. Frustrated.

I'm balancing on the tip of an iceberg of which one side I've thoroughly explored. Color me scared out of my wits at the prospect of sliding down to the other end.

One of my greatest fears is of no longer being most of what's outwardly defined me in my earlier years. Because, I fear: there, I won't have an identity—dark or light, in the feel of its presence—I'll be no one.

I'm dealing with these issues in a way as productive and proactive as I feel I can currently manage. But it's exhausting. I don't like having to exercise strength so continuously. It feels unnatural.

And I thought this blog entry was going to tie up more neatly. Oh, well...

I want the good news to be great news. It's not great yet. Not yet.

Leap Year

I guess I missed out on writing a proper blog entry for February. Anyone trying to follow along with what's relevant here is likely pursing their lips with inquiry. The fact of the matter is that my absence from my YouTube channels, my off-road blog entries, and my patchwork website are all as a result of too much going on in an other dimension of my life.

My next entry, I'll try to catch you up on some of what's been MIA while following the same format of recent entries (exercises in brevity).

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 6

I want to change the world. I want to move people to want to better themselves. I want to help people to want to discover and face their fears. I want to show people that they can innovate from within.

Some day soon, I anticipate being an established role model who others can look to for example. In the meantime, I have to better myself by illuminating each of my own fears and facing them. I have to innovate from within. I have to change and grow until I become truly dependable.

I'm hurt. I need help. I can't be in dark places with negative people. Until I am one piece (with facets), I have to actively care for myself more than I do for others. Not all heroes are like Captain America. Some of us have to come up with the experiment ourselves. And trial and error indeed has its consequences.

I'm persistent. But I don't feel I've got much more to prove before it's my time.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 5

An other diversion, of which it can be harder to rise above, is love. My being polyamorous can make this additionally trying. Others don't understand and don't believe that concurrently loving more than one person in an intimate way can be legitimately genuine (and natural). The "cake and eat it, too" phrase gets tossed around. "Slut" gets tossed around as well. For being pansexual, I've been accused of being greedy... whatever that means.

Life doesn't wait for an opening. It steamrolls like a manic Pokémon. A part of me wishes I could doff this new love, but it feels like it belongs to me. I'm afraid of losing it. Even before I'm assured that it's mine.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 4

Remember the climax of "Back to The Future Ⅲ", when the colored presto logs were used to propel the locomotive (and DMC-12) to 88 mph?

As part of my absolution, I've recently committed to a strict (but robust) meal plan. The transition is jarring, because—despite my wisdom—I have continued to allow my typical depreciated energy levels to go unnoticed. Suddenly, the yellow presto log is in. My senses are acute. My mind is racing. But there's a downside (which should seem obvious). My nihilistic thoughts and feral emotions are ripping me to shreds with greater proficiency.

Focussing on my one-step-at-a-time personal restoration has become more difficult.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 3

In September (2011), I really screwed up. I was processing a significant recent event, and it had been suggested to me by a loving relative that I was not then in a mental state to be moving too much too soon in new directions without suffering needless consequence. It was suggested that I needed more time. I failed to heed the warning. Honestly, though, I had a strong enough sense that what was being told to me was true, I should have been willing to rely on my own compass.

I allowed myself to be influenced negatively. I fell back on bad habits. It lasted into the new year.

I'm sorry... ... I'm saying that to myself.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 2

I have tried to make my artistic expression come across as overtly emotional but devil-may-care if not happy-go-lucky. During the last three years, I have tried to make my music and its related promotional material appear to be a dream of mine. A fanciful ambition. My neurosis has allowed for cracks in the façade, revealing inconsistencies. The reality of the situation is that my interest in the arts has almost always been exclusively coupled to my need for self therapy. It's not fun. An end result can be entertaining, often in a beguiling way, but the process is vital to my well-being.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 1

I admit, I maneuver myself into having to handle circumstances which typically cause me pain and suffering. I don't enjoy the pain or suffering. I do it because there are times I can feel as though I am deserving of punishment. A lot of that feeling is relative to my abuse at the hands of my mother. But, some, I feel I relate practically to bad decisions I've made which have enabled hurt.

Separate from my habit of self destruction, there is a need for me to revisit specific events and find answers to various questions which come to mind.