So it's one of those things where one isn't sure how far is too far. And I recognize that friends and potential friends of The Carrot Factory may not want to venture into TMI territory. But I would hate to be misunderstood, and saying nothing would certainly leave a lot of room for that to happen. Here goes:
I have recently moved into a space of my own... on my own and through my own actions. I have never lived on my own before. The place I was last living in was a literal nightmare. And many people close to me asked me the same sort of question...
"Why would you choose to put yourself through that?"
"Why are you still there?"
"Why don't you just move?"
I am not a masochist. There was an old and destructive relationship involved. It was an abusive relationship. Despite what seemed logical, I chose what felt moral and tried as hard (and for as long) as I could to make or be a change. Evidently, I failed. My patience may be otherworldly but I did finally get to the point of saying, "Enough is enough!"
While preparing for my final departure I felt the need to retreat into myself.
Music, visual art, dramatic expression, and existential studies have always been a deep-hearted passion of mine, but my passion is what suffered the most during that painful time. I had been irked by how it has likely seemed as though I had only "released an album... dicked off after that". Really, it has been torture not feeling safe enough to create & express.
But my care for others shines like an acetylene torch and I felt I had to try... and try... and try. In the end, I realized how disrespected I am (by the other party) and wondered how my effort could ever find any worth.
So, here I am. It's almost as though I have to start over and introduce myself all over again, because I've never had a chance to breathe and choose for myself without that swell of negativity eating out my head and my heart. It really did make me a bit crazy. But that person doesn't deserve me. And I deserve this real life.
Expect a great many things from me. Expect passionate songs. Expect exciting website refashioning. Expect to encounter more of my wonderfully eccentric side. Expect a balance of art and living. ... Although, one might argue that living is an art. While some people don't have the gift, I intend to fully appreciate mine.
I'll need a little more time to decompress and dispose of the negative baggage.
Stay tuned.
