#TBT, I Guess

The last time I wrote a new blog entry was the month before I met my current boyfriend... just shy of 3 years ago. A wild relationship, security training, group therapy, a devastating medical diagnosis, a two year tenure (basically the entire lifespan of a Canadian division of an American company) as a security guard, one affair, two reconciliations, three apologies, and a children's book later, here we are.

I will not apologise for having been absent from this work. I do feel sorry but, everything I do, I do to further expand my creative reach. I have smashed through a lot of my earlier instability and wound up with a true stone on which I will begin to build my realised dreams. Whoa, right? I did not have all the faith I could have in this ever happening. But I guess that list should have included a few "thank you"s.

Here is a show of appreciation. From the 'vault' of my ridiculous stack of unlabelled CDs, I present three pieces of music and one song, all from approximately 15 years ago:

"Nothing On My Mind (Fond Farewells Mix)" - DJ epH

The original of this piece was one of my first attempts at Fusion. While I had turned my attention from Hip Hop and Pop recordings to Techno and Dance for a lengthy time, I missed the more organic snaps and fluting of my older library of sounds. "Nothing On My Mind" was all about trying to make the arrangement imply orchestration as much as I could. I was still young with my clipping of samples, so, it does not translate in the best possible way... but I still love it.

"Thinking of You" - DJ epH

Ah. One of my first songs ever written. It is sappy, and perhaps only half catchy, but the feelings were real. My challenge was in moving to recognise the difference between a familiar voice and a good voice. Some of my early struggles with singing were brought on by my attempts at sounding like the popular artists on the radio. Huge mistake. I had to go back and forth between loving my voice and hating my voice during my experimental phase. This song is less experimental than some of my others, but you can easily surmise from the overlay of varying harmony that I had no fucking idea what I was doing. Enjoy!

"Water Dancing" - DJ epH (I am not 100% on the title of this one. My dad may have to confirm, since he kept pretty much all of the original stuff I gave or sent to him. If it is not "Water Dancing", it was made within the same month.)

Fun, fun, fun! I spent a lot of moody introspective time trying to speak messages to people in my music & writing. This was one of those times when I was like, "You know, that's all good and stuff, but I'm bored of being serious all the time. Let's fuckin' dance!". And this was one of those first successful 'energy' pieces that led me to the belief: a better way of luring a listener in is to offer them something they want to take, rather than something you want to give. I wanted more fun. If it was good enough to give me a break, it seemed pretty useful indeed.

"Something to Hold On To (Full Apex Extended Mix)" - DJ epH

We end off with one of maybe 2 pieces of music I ever intentionally made entirely to satisfy myself on a deeper level. Hence the title. I was reluctant to share this version, but, it looks like I got over myself. I laboured over the original and its remixes for days... days and days and days. You will immediately notice the length (*wink*). This may have been one of my early attempts at pseudo professional levelling of separate audio tracks. An early attempt, so, again, it is what it is. But I started to want more for my music to do what I wanted it to do. If I wanted a spike here to solicit a moment, or a drop here to perpetuate anticipation, I was determined to figure out what knob, what number, what sense I had to master. Ears are not everything. A channel has to be open between you and your music. Something electric and spiritual has to communicate the potential success of each step that you take. So, please, be electric.

An Onion for An Apple

Reads well, the idea of solving one's personal issues before they become parts of some mid-life crisis. ... It feels like shit. Honestly, some days, I don't know how I get out the door and in to the city.

Alienated. Segregated. Frustrated.

I'm balancing on the tip of an iceberg of which one side I've thoroughly explored. Color me scared out of my wits at the prospect of sliding down to the other end.

One of my greatest fears is of no longer being most of what's outwardly defined me in my earlier years. Because, I fear: there, I won't have an identity—dark or light, in the feel of its presence—I'll be no one.

I'm dealing with these issues in a way as productive and proactive as I feel I can currently manage. But it's exhausting. I don't like having to exercise strength so continuously. It feels unnatural.

And I thought this blog entry was going to tie up more neatly. Oh, well...

I want the good news to be great news. It's not great yet. Not yet.

Leap Year

I guess I missed out on writing a proper blog entry for February. Anyone trying to follow along with what's relevant here is likely pursing their lips with inquiry. The fact of the matter is that my absence from my YouTube channels, my off-road blog entries, and my patchwork website are all as a result of too much going on in an other dimension of my life.

My next entry, I'll try to catch you up on some of what's been MIA while following the same format of recent entries (exercises in brevity).

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 6

I want to change the world. I want to move people to want to better themselves. I want to help people to want to discover and face their fears. I want to show people that they can innovate from within.

Some day soon, I anticipate being an established role model who others can look to for example. In the meantime, I have to better myself by illuminating each of my own fears and facing them. I have to innovate from within. I have to change and grow until I become truly dependable.

I'm hurt. I need help. I can't be in dark places with negative people. Until I am one piece (with facets), I have to actively care for myself more than I do for others. Not all heroes are like Captain America. Some of us have to come up with the experiment ourselves. And trial and error indeed has its consequences.

I'm persistent. But I don't feel I've got much more to prove before it's my time.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 5

An other diversion, of which it can be harder to rise above, is love. My being polyamorous can make this additionally trying. Others don't understand and don't believe that concurrently loving more than one person in an intimate way can be legitimately genuine (and natural). The "cake and eat it, too" phrase gets tossed around. "Slut" gets tossed around as well. For being pansexual, I've been accused of being greedy... whatever that means.

Life doesn't wait for an opening. It steamrolls like a manic Pokémon. A part of me wishes I could doff this new love, but it feels like it belongs to me. I'm afraid of losing it. Even before I'm assured that it's mine.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 4

Remember the climax of "Back to The Future Ⅲ", when the colored presto logs were used to propel the locomotive (and DMC-12) to 88 mph?

As part of my absolution, I've recently committed to a strict (but robust) meal plan. The transition is jarring, because—despite my wisdom—I have continued to allow my typical depreciated energy levels to go unnoticed. Suddenly, the yellow presto log is in. My senses are acute. My mind is racing. But there's a downside (which should seem obvious). My nihilistic thoughts and feral emotions are ripping me to shreds with greater proficiency.

Focussing on my one-step-at-a-time personal restoration has become more difficult.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 3

In September (2011), I really screwed up. I was processing a significant recent event, and it had been suggested to me by a loving relative that I was not then in a mental state to be moving too much too soon in new directions without suffering needless consequence. It was suggested that I needed more time. I failed to heed the warning. Honestly, though, I had a strong enough sense that what was being told to me was true, I should have been willing to rely on my own compass.

I allowed myself to be influenced negatively. I fell back on bad habits. It lasted into the new year.

I'm sorry... ... I'm saying that to myself.

Persistence Makes The Prism Makes The Full Spectrum, Pt. 2

I have tried to make my artistic expression come across as overtly emotional but devil-may-care if not happy-go-lucky. During the last three years, I have tried to make my music and its related promotional material appear to be a dream of mine. A fanciful ambition. My neurosis has allowed for cracks in the façade, revealing inconsistencies. The reality of the situation is that my interest in the arts has almost always been exclusively coupled to my need for self therapy. It's not fun. An end result can be entertaining, often in a beguiling way, but the process is vital to my well-being.